Toddlers Are Born Persons

The babies are 18 months old now, and in another six months, I'm not going to be able to call them "babies" anymore.  I'm not sure what we'll call them after they turn two.  Mostly we call them by their names, except when saying things like, "Do the babies need to eat?  Have the babies had their diapers changed?"  But then we tend to use "kids" in the same manner to refer to the other three -- "Have the kids eaten breakfast?  Are the kids in the kitchen?"  We never call the babies "the twins".  After the shock of learning that I was pregnant with twins wore off, Andy and I knew that we always wanted to treat our twins as if each was an individual.  We never wanted them to feel as if they were merely a part of the other.  Even in the womb, they exerted their different personalities: Pop slept more than Pip did, and Pip was always squirming and kicking.  (Of course, they were tucked in there like a pair of shoes, and I don't think Pip had a lot of room, considering he was vertex, low in the pelvis, and being kicked in the head by his brother.)

As the babies have gotten older, their individual personalities have only grown clearer.  Pop, for instance (who is standing on the left side in the picture above), is constantly on the move.  Since he started walking, he's always thought of furniture as something to conquer, sort of like Mt. Everest.  He runs away from you, giggling, when you try to take something away that he shouldn't have.  He wakes up cheerful, with a big smile on his face, talks a lot, and smiles at strangers.

Pip, on the other hand, is a little more reserved.  He likes to concentrate and loves to work.  It takes him a while longer to wake up in the morning, but when he does, he immediately starts making his rounds.  Is the gate closed?  The door to the pantry?  The door to the hallway where they're not supposed to go?  Are there cups and bottles out from the middle of the night?  A broom handy?  This child was made for Montessori.

Still, I don't think that their twinness can be separated from them, because it is such an integral part of their lives.  They're both working on their language skills right now, pointing to pictures and objects and asking for their names over and over, and yesterday, Pop was trying out saying his name and then Pip's.  First he would put his hand on his chest and say his name, then he would reach over and touch his brother and say his brother's name.  Having twins is not like having only one baby at a time, nor is it like having two toddlers of different ages -- say a two year old and a one year old.  Twins are twins.  They're special.

I suppose that all of this is just a longwinded way of saying that maybe, as a mother of multiples, I've been prompted to think of the personhood of my toddlers in a way that is different.  It constantly amazes me that two little people who look so much alike nobody in the outside world can tell them apart, who are growing up in the same house with the same set of parents and siblings and method of parenting, can be so completely different from each other. 

Which leads me to what I have been thinking about all week, as I turned over ideas for Meredith's Toddler Time Carnival.  I think, that when homeschooling moms talk about toddlers, we often come across as just a little, well, haggard.  And desperate.  How do you get any school done with your toddlers around?  How do you keep your toddlers entertained? How do you keep the house clean? How do you do it with TWINS?

I get the "how do you do it with twins" question a lot. My usual first response is: "Very carefully." But then I can be a bit of a smart aleck. To be honest, I don't often stop to think about how I'm doing it because I'm so busy actually doing it. But if I step back and think about it for a minute, I realize I have a few fundamental assumptions about toddlers which help me keep my sanity.

The core assumption is that toddlers are born persons. (To borrow a bit from Charlotte Mason.) That is, children don't start to become people at the age of 5 or 6 or whenever the state says that we are "officially" homeschooling them. Children are born persons, and that means toddlers, too. This is also where the "how do you entertain them" line of thinking breaks down for me, because if we respect our little ones, I don't think our focus should be on "entertaining them so they'll keep quiet and stay out of the way" -- although certainly we do want -- and need -- those quiet, busy periods so we can help our older children. If we respect our little ones, instead of "entertainment" maybe we should change our thinking to, "How can I also help my little ones grow into the people they were meant to be? What kind of meaningful activity can I provide for them?"

It's here that Montessori becomes so appealing to me, with its emphasis on following the child, freedom within limits, early education, and "teach me to do it myself." But please note that I am not talking about those Teach Your Baby to Read! and Doman programs, because frankly, those programs give me the creeps. I'm not trying to turn my 18 month old into Einstein if he's not meant to be Einstein. (Einstein was Einstein. My kids have different names.) What I'm aiming for is that look of intense concentration that comes from being completely absorbed in an activity, or the brilliant smile a toddler turns on you when he's helping wipe the cabinets or the floor. (And yes, in the picture at right, they are still in their pajamas.  I think it was still morning...)

I am not the kind of strict Montessorian who thinks that play is bad. (In fact, if you visited my house you might wonder about the Montessori thing, period. Bottomline: we're eclectic.) But my toddlers really don't seem to like toys, beyond the basic wooden blocks and a couple of balls, and sometimes trucks, if their older brother is playing with them. What they like to do is "work": they like to push carts and haul bags on their backs. They like to carry around empty baskets. They like to push a plastic drawer across the floor, stopping to throw things in occasionally. They like to put things into containers. (Although what they think of as "containers" often includes our shoes and the registers.) They like to scrub with rags and use (or at least carry around) brooms and dustpans. I gave them some beans today to put into a couple of small metal pitchers, and they were in heaven for about thirty minutes. They like to stack those recyclable plastic snack cups you can buy at Wal-Mart. And, like all children, they love boxes.  When they are "working", I try very hard not to interrupt them.  This is how they build their attention span.

It takes a little effort to think of little things they can do while you try to help the big kids with math or read them a book with no pictures. Actually, sometimes it takes me a lot of effort, because I am not naturally a very organized person. But when I do make the effort, things (generally) go better than they do when I leave them up to their own devices all morning. Because then they get bored, and that's when they start using the furniture as playground equipment.

(Other ideas for meaningful actvity? My 18 month olds also like taking objects out of bags. So I will often give them a sandwich-sized Ziploc bag containing several large buttons or pieces of felt, etc, to take in and put back.)

Another thing that helps me keep my sanity is to realize that it is only natural that toddlers want to be included, too. That means if everyone is at the table, the babies will want to be at the table, too. In general, this is a good thing, because at least if they're at the table with everbody else, they aren't exploring the house and dumping your toothpaste in the toilet. But it also means they need something to do there, and that the noise level is probably going to be a little high (especially if you have preschoolers, too.) Our table time happens right after breakfast, when I read aloud. I used to read aloud in the family room, and Gareth and Katydid lay on the floor to draw. But it is really hard to lay on the floor and draw if you are being double-teamed by two little people who are stealing your crayons, pulling your hair, and walking on your paper. So we've moved to the table. The babies are at the point now where I can give them crayons and playdough and not have to pull either out of their mouths every 30 seconds (now we're down to five minutes or so), and they enjoy being able to do what the other kids are doing.

I guess when it comes right down to it, though, I've just learned how to not let certain things bother me. It's not like we live in complete chaos -- we do have a routine that orders our days, and the kids have limits and rules to live by -- but twins bring a sort of exponential amount of disorder with them when they're born. (It's not just doubled, and I haven't managed to figure out the math behind it all yet. How can two such small people make 10 times as much work?) So it doesn't generally bother me when I'm trying to read aloud and the babies are both climbing me like a jungle gym (unless one of them is trying to bite me and the other is pulling my hair.) And having toddlers around is good for the big kids, too, in that they learn to practice kindness and patience and responsibility.

(At this point, if you have a special needs toddler, you may be thinking, well, that sounds good, but my son refuses to wear clothes because they scratch him, he's up half the night, I can't leave him alone for two seconds without finding him on top of the television set, he throws fifteen screaming fits a day, and I can't leave my house. What about that? My answer: Ah, how well do I remember the days. But I think I'll have to cover that in a different post.)

As I sit here writing this, Pop is balancing a toy container of ice cream on a small dustpan and walking around the family room with it, trying his best not to let it fall. Pip is singing and trying to give Pop a toy pan. Eighteen months is one of my favorite ages. I love watching their drive to learn and do, their joy at having another day -- a whole day! -- to explore. I'm blessed to know these little people, and I try hard not to forget it.

Comments

[Theresa]

Wow! What an amazing post!And what lucky boys to have such a thoughtful, caring, enthusiastic Mom!

[Melanie]

Angela,
thank you for that.. very helpful and encouraging... especially coming from a mom who is in the middle of a pregnancy on top of all you wrote about. I would love to hear more concrete ideas of what activities you give the boys to do. I need to look more into montessori too.. i've just started thinking more about how my little toddler, and soon my tiwns, need to be more included in our education at home instead of just pushed aside. I'm wishing away their young babyhood waiting for naps and bedtime all the time.

[Elizabeth H]

Fabulous, inspiring. You are all such a blessing for each other (and for us!)

[Meredith]

Everything was so well said!! Thanks so much for this lovely contribution to the Carnival!! Blessings to you all!

[Shawna]

Angela, your boys are so cute! And yes, my toddlers are nearly the same ages, 20 & 22 months now. Of course my little ones do not share their genetics, nor their gender, and they are VERY different little people. However, they have been together so much, really since birth for Little Boy..even nursing together, they have developed a very special interaction with one another. They are very harmonious, and while I do totally agree that the math doesn't add up, and 2 means 10 times more work, there is something very nice about the companionship that "multiples" share. I could just imagine the seen where one of your boys was carrying the icecream on the dustpan, and the other was singing and handing him a toy. I see this sweet, simple, busy interaction going on all the time. (Of course, they do fuss at one another too, but not often.) Thanks for all the great ideas for Toddler "Work". I literally made notes! God bless you and all your littles!

[Shawna]

Angela, your boys are so cute! And yes, my toddlers are nearly the same ages, 20 & 22 months now. Of course my little ones do not share their genetics, nor their gender, and they are VERY different little people. However, they have been together so much, since birth for Little Boy..even nursing together, they have developed a very special interaction with one another. They are very harmonious, and while I do totally agree that the math doesn't add up, and 2 means 10 times more work, there is something very nice about the companionship that "multiples" share. I could just imagine the scene where one of your boys was carrying the icecream on the dustpan, and the other was singing and handing him a toy. I see this sweet, simple, busy interaction going on all the time. (Of course, they do fuss at one another too, but not often.) Thanks for all the great ideas for Toddler "Work". I literally made notes! God bless you and all your littles!

[sue]

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS !

MUCH needed in my house !

Sue