December Plans

What if I told you that my December plans were to hide in a bathroom while my kids fought it out among themselves?  Would I get new nicknames like "Grinch" and "Ebenezer"?

Then I would have to tell you that it's not that I don't have the Christmas spirit -- because I do!  I want nothing more than to snuggle on the couch and read Christmas stories with my kids, and make gingerbread and hot chocolate, and drink tea on cold afternoons.  I want nothing more than a few simple lights and to put up the nativity set and to light the first candle on the Advent Wreath.  (If I had remembered to get candles for the Advent Wreath, of course, which I haven't.)  I want to draw Christmas cards and make yarn wreaths and sing Christmas carols.

I've been telling myself lately that I will write something every day, and this blog is my vehicle for the writing.  I've told myself that I'll just try writing about what happened that day -- what we did, where we went, things like that.  But do you want to know what happened today?

No, you really don't.  Trust me.  Let's just say it involved a lot of yelling.  And crying.  And whining.  (Some of it was not even me, can you imagine?)

And then -- yes, there was an "and then" -- I had to hold Pop down to get him to go to sleep.  I always have to hold Pop down to get him to go sleep, so I don't know why I make such a big deal about it, but have you ever tried to pin a two year old to his bed while also holding a three month old baby?  No? You mean your kids actually turn off sometimes without being completely immobilized first?

And then -- yes, there's another "and then" -- Farmerboy came in from outside.  Pop had just closed his eyes.  Farmerboy was standing in the hallway, holding his arms out from his sides.  His face was polkadotted brown.  "We were playing in the creek," he whispered loudly, "and it was muddy, and then the mud just got all over us!"

Yep, just like that, the mud jumped -- jumped, I tell you -- all over them.  And all over my floor, too.  Darn mud.

It must have been quite aggressive mud, because Farmerboy was covered with it, head to toe.

So I washed him off, and I helped him change his clothes, and I directed his big brother to look for jeans in his room, where he found them -- on the floor by his dresser.

And then (more "and thens") I nearly had a heart attack when I went back to remind someone of an assignment and said person's room was --

Ok, I said "less said the better", didn't I?

You know, it's a very thin line to walk, as a homeschooling mother of a large family with a multitude of needs -- some of them "special", some of them "ordinary".  It's a thin line when you go public.  As a homeschooling mother, I don't want to vent too much about the bad days -- or actually, I sometimes worry about venting at all -- because I'm worried that someone will say to me, "Oh, you should put your kids in school/daycare/get a job."  Or, because I have a lot of kids, I'm worried that someone will say to me, "Well, you chose to have a big family!"

Not that anyone would ever say that, of course, but I worry that someone will.  And sometimes my worrying makes me feel as if I have to appear to be superhuman.  Because, really, moms who work and send their kids to school and only have two kids have bad days, too.  But when those kinds of moms have bad days, for some reason nobody thinks twice to hear them talk about them.  (Or at least, that's a perception I have.)

So this can be a bad thing, because it means a homeschooling mom (like, say, me) might feel as if she must hide all the day to day difficulties in order to present an ideal to the world.  It's like a building with a false front.  Maybe the bricks are crumbling all around the sides and back, but doesn't the front of the building look spiffy?

The thing is, we've sort of lost track today that not everything is supposed to be easy.  We think that's the case, but it's not.  All the easiness of the modern world has still left many of us completely dissatisifed, mostly (I think) because it's really hard work that makes us feel as if we've accomplished something.  For some reason, we (and me, too) think that we have to be happy all the time, and hard work sometimes does not equal immediate happiness.

But I guess we don't have to be happy all the time.  I guess people get sad and mad and do dumb things and noble things and are generous and stingy and just in general are very, very... human.

And being human, aren't perfect.  Not even if they have a large family and homeschool. 

And so my December plans aren't really to hide in the bathroom, even though I might have to escape there occasionally.  No, my December plans probably look a lot like everybody else's.

I'm going to break up my children when they fight, and I'm going to snuggle on the couch and read to them, too.  I'm going to sing Christmas carols and tell my two year old to put that down.  I'm going to sweep up mountains of dried spaghetti off the floor, and I'm going to let everyone use the sticky glue to make Christmas pictures, even the two year olds.  I'm going to turn on the Christmas lights in the dark afternoons to let a little joy in the windows.  And I'm going to keep making them do their chores, even when they fall on the ground and tell me I am the meanest woman in the world.

The hours are long, but it's a good job.

Comments

[Amy]

As your cybertwin, you know I understand! You say you know not everything should be easy, but on days like this (and lately, every day seems like this!) I would just like *something* to be easy, YKWIM? Still, it could be worse, I know. I'm just a big wimp, I guess. HUGS to you on this challenging day.

[Meredith]

Oh Honey, take a hot bath with the door locked!!! I have had SO many of these days, I can't count them anymore, and I have less children than you. Praying and lighting a candle for you...Hugs too!

[Andrea]

We had a rough day here too, thanks for sharing yours! That is so true about homeschool moms having to put up a false front. I hope tomorrow is easier...

[Cheryl]

Great post, Angela. Of course, I can relate to it.

[Theresa]

This post literally brought tears to my eyes! THANK GOD there is someone out there who understands! I had a day yesterday that brought me to my knees (like so many others) but there is SO much pressure to put on that happy face. A lot of good things happened, too, so that is what I blogged about. I figure no one wants to hear about the 2yo screeching for 2 hours,the puzzle pieces, blocks, and train tracks scattered all over 3 rooms, and the broken nativity scene figures I found shoved under the couch. Some days I think to myself, if people only knew the reality of it all they would never visit LaPaz again!But you make SUCH a good point that life is not supposed to be easy. Why do we always have the expectation that it will be or should be? It just puts the pressure on and creates such guilt when we realize that sometimes we can't MAKE it easy no matter how hard we try.And yet we still keep trying, as that is the task God has set before us.
Thank you, Angela. You did my heart and soul good today.